Another frustrating Dr visit

My visit to Dr Phan, my family doctor, was a little trying. After explaining to him about how I daily have problems concentrating, and many days falling to sleep still, I expressed my frustration in finding a course of action so that I can get back on course to at least begin looking for work again. His response "Oh, I do not see any reason why you cannot look for work."

So the fact that I cannot concentrate, and the fact that my comprehension skills are diminished, and the fact that I may need to sleep for a few hours in the day, these are not limiting factors for looking for work?

For instance, this morning I went out to breakfast with a few guys from South Portland First Baptist Church at Uncle Andy's in South Portland. I did fairly good there but by the end I could feel myself starting to slip. By the time I got home at 9 I had to lay down and sleep and I slept until 1 pm.

I think it is time to begin looking for a new MD, one that better understands the nature and impact that migraines can have in a person's life, or at least one that listens to me and comprehends what it means when I say that I need help in trying to manage these migraines.

In the meantime Dr Phan has told me that I should go back to see the neurologists for further treatment.

Concentration Lost

Embers of memories dance in my mind this morning, flashing like lightning bugs in the summer grasses causing distractions, making it impossible to focus. There is a constant annoying internal buzz that I hear, some call it white noise but it is loud, very loud for me. Perhaps it is just my auditory sensitivity that makes me acutely aware of its presence and how it distracts me.

I am deeply distracted this morning. I try to focus on my daily Bible reading and it is hard to keep that focus, which is unusual for me at least this early in the morning. So I turn to prayer and it is hard to focus on prayer. I feel agitated and ... well distracted.

The lack of concentration is probably one of the most annoying traits of my migraines. It affects my ability to study, to recall information I should know, to learn new things.

I desperately wish these migraines would go away and I could get back to work. I am bored around here and wish for some level of normalcy.

People with pain struggle with despair

I was reading in Job 3 this morning and I could certainly understand the pain that he was experiencing, or at least some of the pain.

The words spoken by Job reflect a heart that was struggling with despair. He was questioning why was he born. Why wasn't he stillborn? As I reflected on these words I remarked on how similar they are to any of our reactions to pain in our lives.

Then I began to generalize a bit. Think about it. People who struggle with pain want to escape that pain. There is nothing worse than persistent pain, a pain to which you cannot find a way to manage, that seeps into your day and crushes the will. You struggle to push on and you put up the defenses of determination. However, slowly despair will creep in through the cracks.

Despair is the ugly twin of pain, and I acknowledge its presence. However, I take steps to limit its power. I reach out to others and try to help others rather than just focus on my own problems. I continually remind myself that it is God who is sovereign and in control and that He has a purpose and a plan for my life and yes, a purpose and a plan for the migraines, although I do not have a full understanding of this at this time.

So for others facing pain, or despair, first acknowledge its presence. It is there, don't deny it. Second, take steps to limit its power. Look beyond your own circumstance and how you can use your circumstance to help others.

An All Night Vigil

It has been a long day and night, and now in the early morning hours I find myself still in pain. Dear God, the pain is bad and I can only hold on for another day. I do not know why I have pain, but I know you are faithful, and I will trust You. I know you make the rain fall on the just and wicked.

My stomach is wrenching, my head pounding. I wish I could have some relief from this, give me strength please. Holy One heal me of this pain.

Let me find some sleep Lord.

Sleepless fatigue

Most of the time when I get a migraine I have extreme fatigue, and in most cases just collapse into a chair and sleep for several hours. I had a day like that on Tuesday.

However, today is different. I feel extreme fatigue but so far I am not able to get to sleep. I wonder if it is because my intestinal tract is all screwed up this morning?

In the book, The Migraine Brain, I learned something interesting. Apparently migraines can affect your intestinal tract and can cause either constipation or diarrhea. In fact in children who get migraines, their most common problem is this. They rarely have the headache that accompanies the migraine, which is what makes diagnosing migraines more difficult in children. According to The Migraine Brain, doctors have to eliminate all other causes to make a diagnosis of migraines.

So here I sit in a listless state, my intestinal track rumbling like a logging truck over rough roads.

Another day, another migraine

Wakefulness came early today, around 4:30 AM. While I could not fall back to sleep, I still felt the nausea and pain that a new migraine day brings with it.

Today is interesting, that annoying high pitched whine is predominant in the right ear. Noises around me are bothersome; for example we have an under cabinet blower for our FHW heating system in the kitchen. I am two rooms removed and still the blower noises bother me.

Light is an issue this morning too.

Around 7AM　I started to drift back off to sleep, slipping into that migraine stupor that leaves you feeling lifeless.

Cloak and Dagger

I made it through this morning pretty well, knowing that a more severe migraine was just lurking somewhere around the bend. True to form, a cloak of darkness descended around 1 this afternoon. Now the daggers of pain continue to pierce through the fabric and leave me feeling like a lifeless blob. It is hard to think, to concentrate. My left arm has a slight tingling from about the forearm to the fingertips. The intensity of the pain is about 8 to 9. I reserve 10 for when I pass out. I feel like sleeping but if I drop off now I will wake at midnight not able to sleep again.

I dislike the pain raking across brow of my eyes.

I had read in the book, The Migraine Brain that fluctuations in blood sugar can also trigger a migraine attack. I took my blood sugar before the severe onset of symptoms and my sugar is only at 189 mgl, which is not great, but it has been worse. Also the sugar is at the same level it was when I woke and took it in the AM.

The fog rolls in

After a good afternoon two days ago, and an OK day yesterday, I can feel the full weight of the migraines as they roll back in, leaving me in a mental fog. My vision feels slightly blurred, but I think that is just early morning haze. I did not sleep well at all last night and awoke several times with pounding migraines.

It is hard to write creatively this morning so I think I will pull a Detective Friday moment and stick with the facts, just the facts, and nothing but the facts.

The ever present high pitch jet engine like whine is still here, surprise, surprise. I wonder if this is something that is separate from my migraines, but when migraines slam full force then my tolerance for the noise changes? The things that make us go hmmm.

This morning I have pain throbbing on both sides. Needless to say I am very sleepy because of not getting sound sleep last night. Mostly I feel listless, rather than energetic, and forget trying to think through problems.

Relief is relief ...

For a few hours last evening I felt "normal". I had energy. I was thinking clearly. I was getting things done. Most of the pain was gone and the roaring in my ears was tolerable. I was awake until 1:30 AM this morning just enjoying getting things done instead of walking around in a semi-comatose state.

This morning I am still thinking a bit more clearly, but I can feel the dull pounding in the right temporal lobe, its pulsating tendrils echoing above my right eye. All along the Trigeminal highway the cars are honking their horns, letting me know of their presence.

This morning I am off to the Chiropractor, and another manipulation. I doubt I will be able to continue the visits as much as I would like to see myself through the entire process, my funds will dry out before the process is complete.

So my thought for this morning is that relief is relief, if it is only for a few hours. Thank you Lord for the great afternoon yesterday. I trust you to carry me through this day and into the future.

Buzzz saw Brenda to the rescue!

In a playful homage to Buzz Lightyear of Toy Story lore, I have to tease my beloved wife, Brenda, for her asthmatic induced snore and its delightful sounds that awakens me in the early morning hours.

This morning does feel like a buzz saw cutting through the cerebral hemispheres while the high pitch whine of Buzz's rockets peal in my ears.

You would think that with migraines that I would sleep better than some. However, the opposite is true. I believe that I do not sleep soundly at all. I find myself waking almost hourly if not more feeling restless, my head throbbing, and sometimes my stomach queasy.

I am grateful for this day, for my Savior, who set aside his divine right and seat in heaven above, to be born in a lowly manger. To us the scene seems warm and idyllic; however, think of it, the manger is a feeding trough, it is dirty and crass. The air is filled with the scent of dirty animals and manure. This is not the place anyone would want to give birth to a baby. Here is the High King of Heaven, found in a feeding trough. Why, a feeding trough and not a regular bed? Why not a king's palace? He certainly deserved that and more.

I believe he had to be born in so lowly estate to demonstrate how low our sins carry us. Our sins are like the stench of manure, like eating from the trough of an animal pen. It is not warm and idyllic, but cold, crass, and putrid. It makes you want to wretch. This is what separates us from God, our sin. We are born with it just as surely as we are born with our skin. Its cancerous lesions fester inside and boil with stubborn pride at the first willful "No" or the disobedient act of the toddler. God knowing our low estate wanted to identify with us and gave us a beautiful word picture of his provision for this sin problem.

So this Christmas, remember that it is His gift on the tree that is most precious; more precious than any gift under the tree.

God bless my friends.

Finding Wellness in Pain

I am thankful for the many people who come up to me and with great care and sympathy indicate that they are praying for me, praying that the migraines are taken away.

While I would like the migraines to go away, that is not my only focus in this journey we call life. My focus is finding wellness, in the middle of the pain. You see, I am a subscriber to the ultimate sovereignty of God, who allows for sickness, and pain in our lives for reasons we sometimes do not understand. We do not understand, because we do not see the 'big picture' the scene from behind the scenes. God does. I trust that He knows what He is doing and is allowing this season of pain for a purpose.

I have had episodic migraines since about the year 2000, perhaps even earlier than that, but I never recognized it as such. The first time I ever noticed something odd was while I was trying to provide technical support on the phone and my speech would start to slur and I would have a hard time bringing things that would normally be second nature for me to recall.

Since that time I would go through periods where I would have weeks filled with migraines off and on, or a few days a month. I would take some medication, seek a dark room that is very quiet, and just rest.

For the most part medications held my migraines at bay. However, due to changes to insurance policies at work, in 2010 we moved to a high deductible policy and I found that my maintenance medication was about $350.00 per month, and the intervention medication, Maxalt, is about $25.00 per pill. At the frequency of my migraines I had to stop the maintenance medication and intervention medication.

Eventually over the year 2010, my Migraines became more frequent and more severe. Somewhere in late September or early October I began to have migraines every day. I had only two days that I recall where I felt I was migraine free in a period of 3 months now.

I have used all my sick time at work, and I am now in the process of utilizing the short disability insurance.

Today I went to see Dr Scott M Glocke, a Chiropractor in Yarmouth, Me in hopes he can help provide some relief. This was my second treatment day and I am not certain that I will be able to afford to continue to go to see him. I could pay lots of money and still not gain any relief for my migraines.

The thing that puzzles me is that migraines are typically transitory. They come and go, usually on their own. So what makes this episode so different? Why is the ringing in the ear and sound sensitivity so pervasive? Nausea comes and goes, dizziness too. I do not have answers for this yet, but I hope I can work something out soon.